So Far… A Personal Goal

At this point I have necrotic tissue (scar tissue) in my head. Necrotic tissue can have the same effects as a tumor, except necrotic tissue is not malignant which means it’s growth is usually self-limiting. If it does not heal on it’s own, another surgery will be required. The risk of a second surgery is an increase in deficients, permanent paralysis and, with any brain surgery, death is always possible, so wait and see is the order of the day.

At this moment I am at peace. I am not deeply worried or fretful over what’s next for me because I know from experience that Jesus Christ stands firmly beside me. This statement is more than simple words. This is a state of mind. A state of mind I have from the moment I wake until the moment I drift off to sleep. I have access to any drugs I want to help me cope. But, the peace of having Jesus beside me is much more powerful. This is not to say that at times I do not take a Xanax to help me sleep, because I do. This is not to say that I am not fearful, for sometimes, I am. This does not mean, I don't need or enjoy listening to Bernie Siegel tapes, because I do. However, regardless of my state of body-mind, Christ always comforts me and is always with me.

I know all of this rambling sounds confusing and contradictory. You may ask, “If I have Jesus beside me, why do I need anything else?” An analogy may help explain. Suppose I cut my finger. I may place medicine on the cut to relieve the pain. I may place medicine on the cut to help it heal. However, I am not worried that my finger will not heal. I have faith that my immune system will heal my cut. With my brain, more unpleasant things may happen to me. I may need drugs for the pain or nerves, but I know Christ will be with me and at the end of the day, through grace, He will accept me into His glory.

I simply cannot imagine the horrors of going through this brain thing without Jesus Christ. Facing your mortality without a spiritual foundation and trying to ignore your spiritual being must be truly what hell is all about. I did not come pre-prepared into my brain tumor journey with a strong relationship with Christ, but Christ picked me up and carried me anyway, He helped me build the foundation I stand on today because I was open and ready for His help.

Audrey and I recently attended the National Brain Tumor Conference. At one full assembly (several hundred people in the room) a survivor panel was seated to tell their stories and answer questions. Six survivors were on the panel; one survivor was seven years out, one ten years out, one perhaps even 20 years out. Each told their story and credited their survival to keeping a good attitude, meditation, doctors, drugs, science, etc. I may have missed it, but I do not recall one person giving Christ the primary credit. My goal is to be on that panel someday where I will scream, “The only reason I am here before you today is the result of the grace and love of Jesus Christ in my life.” If I am told before hand I can't say that for politically correct reasons, I will promise not to, but I promise you, I will do it anyway … screw um.